KARAOKE DOKIE

I have never met a professional musician who admits to having done karaoke. They all say, "This sucks."

Generally meaning, "I know I'm better than these amateurs who are so out of key and out of time and get the words given to them with an indicator of exactly when to sing..." when they really mean, "There's no way I'm gonna risk my musical cred up there where the possibility of making a fool of myself is high because a) there is no rehearsal b) I don't know if it will be in my key, (some programs can adjust keys, some can't...just like some musicians, I might add) c) the arrangement is not the one I'm used to d) the arrangements are 'wrong' e) the words on the screen confuse me, I won't be able to emote f) how can I communicate with the audience when I'm/they are reading words on a screen g) "I spent years getting good at this, why should I suck now for no pay. h) if someone hears me suck here that won't come see my band thinking I will suck there."

Now, I admit, I have done karaoke once before. But I was in the middle of the desert in a small town with only 12 dusty strangers in a bar, four of whom KNOW I'm a REAL musician who can sing in key, keep time, even write the occasional tune. My rep wasn't at stake. I'd never see the other folks again. And...I was drunk.

But, since I and others of my musical ilk have a tendency to not appreciate the FUN that lay people have getting up and making fools of themselves in front of others, I decided to try it one more time.

Actually, even that is not exactly the way it went down.

I have long lived by a set of rules, or at least since I became single six years ago. The meat of which reads something like this:

I have a set of guidelines as a single man in a complex dating world. I try to refrain from dating a) Republicans (more vehemently Tea Partiers) but Independents and Republicans who don't watch Fox all day are possibilities. Just sayin'. b) Red Sox fans (no wiggle room here...got that Wilcox?) or c) Karaoke djs (they get paid to listen to and perpetuate horrid music all night long at venues that might otherwise hire live bands, while proficient musicians sit home rehearsing).

But after some investigation as to the quantity of available single women in the particular rural mountain community in which I find myself living a fairly lonesome existence I have recently found myself quite drawn to a sexy, available brunette who just HAPPENS to be a karaoke dj. Now, I don't fault her for this and I'm not just giving her a hall pass because she is cute. My main problem with karaoke is that, as mentioned above, it takes jobs from musicians. In an economic and geographical environment where paying gigs are few and far between for even the best musicians (who would take the same money paid out to said karaoke-ists), I am frustrated. No one makes me go listen to people sing badly, I just wish I had a chance to set up my gear and get paid for playing in the same joints. Oh, and there is the fact that people nowadays seem less concerned whether their entertainment sucks or not but we've spoken about that in the first post here at length. Thank you karaoke, American Idol, reality TV, home recording and the collapse of the music industry.

I have rationalized an exemption to my silly rules because she is not only really good at what she does, she sings well and people have FUN when she is in charge. She works at keeping the crap buffered by the decent, keeping people smiling with her witty repartee and teasing, cynical smile. She knows how to dress for success. Yow. But also because she hires, i.e. pays, a couple of musicians to play their instruments along with the pre-recorded karaoke tracks in real time. So she's employing my comrades. And okay, she likes me, she's cute and spunky and I like it.

But why bring all this up here? Well, because I have oddly succumbed to her advances in my couple of attempts to catch her eye with my stunning karaoke prowess. Okay, for 8 of 10 songs that I attempted over two to three nights I was King Karaoke for the evening...not hard to do since I was the only professional singer within two miles of the joint...but in two of those songs I experienced my personal version of hell. But more on that later.

Even worse, while I mesmerized and thrilled the gathered hoards, I had my self-satisfied ass handed to my by the lack of structure, rules, respect, quality control onstage that I have tried to instill/reflect as previously posted in THE ETIQUETTE OF SITTIN' IN. I had avoided the dreaded "Duet Syndrome" as long as I could and finally broke down and sang a couple of forced duets with a passable if somewhat constantly flat singing "harmonist" as she calls herself (who happened to be the bar owners girlfriend and one must sometimes take a bullet when trying to secure a future gig). Her timing is pretty good, she can hold that particular crowd with her looks and presentation and song choices, but alas she sings flat. Consistently. So I powered through that a couple of times and there were actually smatterings of nice musical moments. But then, the concept of "Flash mob choir" rose up like The Creature From The Black Saloon and we were joined by a seemingly endless stream of foaming wanna-be Eagles, leaping onto the tiny stage grabbing at the two extra mics from which the ensuing feedback could only be described as a blessing compared to the caterwauling fingernail on the blackboard harmonies of the cacophonous banshees...I understand that this IS tradition, this IS fun for these kind, well meaning, DUI poster children. I can't imagine that etiquette is even in the ball park.

Somehow, I feel dirty. Have I sold myself to the devil? When Robert Johnson was down at the crossroads did the devil ask to sing a duet on "The Boxer"? Maybe an Ozzy tune. Will I go back? Will I sing again? Most likely, if I must. She's cute but I am definitely NOT asking her politics or if she's from Boston.