KARAOKE DOKIE

I have never met a professional musician who admits to having done karaoke. They all say, "This sucks."

Generally meaning, "I know I'm better than these amateurs who are so out of key and out of time and get the words given to them with an indicator of exactly when to sing..." when they really mean, "There's no way I'm gonna risk my musical cred up there where the possibility of making a fool of myself is high because a) there is no rehearsal b) I don't know if it will be in my key, (some programs can adjust keys, some can't...just like some musicians, I might add) c) the arrangement is not the one I'm used to d) the arrangements are 'wrong' e) the words on the screen confuse me, I won't be able to emote f) how can I communicate with the audience when I'm/they are reading words on a screen g) "I spent years getting good at this, why should I suck now for no pay. h) if someone hears me suck here that won't come see my band thinking I will suck there."

Now, I admit, I have done karaoke once before. But I was in the middle of the desert in a small town with only 12 dusty strangers in a bar, four of whom KNOW I'm a REAL musician who can sing in key, keep time, even write the occasional tune. My rep wasn't at stake. I'd never see the other folks again. And...I was drunk.

But, since I and others of my musical ilk have a tendency to not appreciate the FUN that lay people have getting up and making fools of themselves in front of others, I decided to try it one more time.

Actually, even that is not exactly the way it went down.

I have long lived by a set of rules, or at least since I became single six years ago. The meat of which reads something like this:

I have a set of guidelines as a single man in a complex dating world. I try to refrain from dating a) Republicans (more vehemently Tea Partiers) but Independents and Republicans who don't watch Fox all day are possibilities. Just sayin'. b) Red Sox fans (no wiggle room here...got that Wilcox?) or c) Karaoke djs (they get paid to listen to and perpetuate horrid music all night long at venues that might otherwise hire live bands, while proficient musicians sit home rehearsing).

But after some investigation as to the quantity of available single women in the particular rural mountain community in which I find myself living a fairly lonesome existence I have recently found myself quite drawn to a sexy, available brunette who just HAPPENS to be a karaoke dj. Now, I don't fault her for this and I'm not just giving her a hall pass because she is cute. My main problem with karaoke is that, as mentioned above, it takes jobs from musicians. In an economic and geographical environment where paying gigs are few and far between for even the best musicians (who would take the same money paid out to said karaoke-ists), I am frustrated. No one makes me go listen to people sing badly, I just wish I had a chance to set up my gear and get paid for playing in the same joints. Oh, and there is the fact that people nowadays seem less concerned whether their entertainment sucks or not but we've spoken about that in the first post here at length. Thank you karaoke, American Idol, reality TV, home recording and the collapse of the music industry.

I have rationalized an exemption to my silly rules because she is not only really good at what she does, she sings well and people have FUN when she is in charge. She works at keeping the crap buffered by the decent, keeping people smiling with her witty repartee and teasing, cynical smile. She knows how to dress for success. Yow. But also because she hires, i.e. pays, a couple of musicians to play their instruments along with the pre-recorded karaoke tracks in real time. So she's employing my comrades. And okay, she likes me, she's cute and spunky and I like it.

But why bring all this up here? Well, because I have oddly succumbed to her advances in my couple of attempts to catch her eye with my stunning karaoke prowess. Okay, for 8 of 10 songs that I attempted over two to three nights I was King Karaoke for the evening...not hard to do since I was the only professional singer within two miles of the joint...but in two of those songs I experienced my personal version of hell. But more on that later.

Even worse, while I mesmerized and thrilled the gathered hoards, I had my self-satisfied ass handed to my by the lack of structure, rules, respect, quality control onstage that I have tried to instill/reflect as previously posted in THE ETIQUETTE OF SITTIN' IN. I had avoided the dreaded "Duet Syndrome" as long as I could and finally broke down and sang a couple of forced duets with a passable if somewhat constantly flat singing "harmonist" as she calls herself (who happened to be the bar owners girlfriend and one must sometimes take a bullet when trying to secure a future gig). Her timing is pretty good, she can hold that particular crowd with her looks and presentation and song choices, but alas she sings flat. Consistently. So I powered through that a couple of times and there were actually smatterings of nice musical moments. But then, the concept of "Flash mob choir" rose up like The Creature From The Black Saloon and we were joined by a seemingly endless stream of foaming wanna-be Eagles, leaping onto the tiny stage grabbing at the two extra mics from which the ensuing feedback could only be described as a blessing compared to the caterwauling fingernail on the blackboard harmonies of the cacophonous banshees...I understand that this IS tradition, this IS fun for these kind, well meaning, DUI poster children. I can't imagine that etiquette is even in the ball park.

Somehow, I feel dirty. Have I sold myself to the devil? When Robert Johnson was down at the crossroads did the devil ask to sing a duet on "The Boxer"? Maybe an Ozzy tune. Will I go back? Will I sing again? Most likely, if I must. She's cute but I am definitely NOT asking her politics or if she's from Boston.

The ETIQUETTE OF SITTING IN: A USERS GUIDE

You want to sit in? We don't mean to sound elitist. We're no virtuosos but we have played with some and offer the following with the utmost respect for all musicians who have paid their sittin' in dues.

We understand "we all have to start somewhere". That is why God invented showers, cars with radios, open mic nights, karaoke, and Holiday Inn lounges. We have all done our time. Have you?

First, a few questions…

1. Do you know anyone in the band?

2. Have you ever been a professional musician? (i.e. played music and got paid for it and I don’t mean at your cousin’s 8^th grade graduation party)

3. Do you have experience playing in a band? Or are you a solo type of performer? (It’s sort of like the difference between sex and masturbation)

4. Do you have a particular song you want to do? Did you listen to us long enough to know what WE do and is it compatible with what you do?

5. Do you know what key your song is in and what the chords are? (most sit-in’s don’t know or neglect to tell us)

6. Do you have your own instrument? Or microphone? With you? If not are you insured so that if something happens to our gear you can pay us right away and worry yourself about getting reimbursed by your insurance company? Do you have a cold? Bad breath? Some kind of illness I should know about before you sing on my mic?

7. Are you prepared to play one song and be satisfied with that?

8. Are you prepared to be booed and humiliated by our audience? We may ask them to play GONG SHOW so be ready for rejection…we’re just saying…

If you can answer positively to 6 of 8 of those questions, AND if the stars are in alignment and I’m not in a pissy mood for being interrupted while I’m trying to work, then welcome and don’t suck.

If you can’t answer positively to 6 of 8 of those questions, please read on and don’t take offense to what follows. We might even still let you play, depends on your attitude and our mood. Understand that we are at work and people didn’t come to hear you. There are a bunch of places to sing karaoke around here so perhaps that would suit you better. This ain’t one of them…I truly don’t mean to be harsh but on the bandstand, especially playing in cover bands, in resorts, in small bars…basically anywhere where original songs are not the m.o. musicians constantly run into issues with people wanting to sit in. Even more so now that karaoke and open mics, American Idol and amateur music contests are more en vogue.

So a few of us got together to compare notes and came up with some observations and guidelines, “The Etiquette of Sitting In”.

We understand that playing music is a joy and a blast and that people come to a gig to enjoy themselves but we think sometimes they lose sight, just as they do in movie theaters and concerts when they yammer loudly as if they were in their living rooms, that they should respect that maybe, just maybe there are people there who came to actually see/hear/enjoy the band that is booked. Realize that the band is actually working a job that they can easily lose, albeit a fun one but a job with expectations and a certain level of skill involved and competency required. It may have taken extreme effort to talk the venue owners into letting them play there, much less into paying them. Consequently, they may want to keep the job or at least be able to collect their promised wages at night’s end (which is often, also a crapshoot anyway).

Rarely have I had to feel obligated to mention any of the following to professional musicians. Rarely. But, read on if you feel oddly compelled to jump onstage whenever you are around another band/musician/comedian/juggler/ventriloquist or dog act. Read on if you are not someone who currently (or in the past) gets paid to play music on a regular basis by someone other than your relatives and who actually has gotten off your ass and secured a handful of paying gigs somewhere. Read on…

Playing music for people is a blessing and a fairly difficult thing to do. Especially if this is how you make your living. Not only do you have to have enough confidence to go up there and expose your hard practiced and natural talents but you have to seek out the venues, develop a fan base, argue about money with the promoters, get along with and attract and hire the right, complimentary musicians to get/secure/keep those gigs that you have to beg, plead and scramble for. All of this in a world where places with live music are not only few and far between but where they generally pay ½ of what they did just 10 years ago even though equipment, studio, transporation costs have skyrocketed making almost every gig for local musicians a losing proposition monetarily. There are more bands than ever and less places to play. J.D. Souther told me that when he was first signed to a record deal in the 70s "there were only about 1000 records released a year. Now there are hundreds of thousands of new acts popping up with music all the time." Being professional, even semi-pro is hard work. Fun, usually, but grueling on the body and soul at times.

Remember that a four hour local gig entails an additional minimum of 2 hours of load-in/load-out at venues and at home before and after gigs. Often this follows working a full day of work at their regular jobs for many musicians. There is additionally time spent prepping for the gig. For example: stringing guitars (at $12 a set of strings average), checking cables, cleaning gear, readying set-lists/music books, rehearsing with the band, practicing alone, learning new material, posting gig info on websites, sending emails, making phone calls, developing mailing lists, etc. i.e. it is a time consuming job. 90% of people making money playing gigs do not have roadies, sound men, managers and booking agents. It's a D.I.Y. deal.…so the national average, non-union, local gig where members of say a five piece band get between $25-70 bucks a piece at the end of the night (and many times pay for their own drinks, food, etc. at places they play) works out to about a low average 8 hours per gig at $50 or about $6.25 an hour…before expenses. Remember that many of the local musicians you see out there are playing JUST for tips. And if most local musicians play 4-6 gigs a month (actually average is 2-3 in most circles) then why would they do all of that work just to give up some of their limited stage time, doing what they love, to hear you mess up some song you may or may not know.

Why? Well, because you need to feel like a star in front of your three drunken friends who will probably NOT tip the band and probably just make fun of you later to try and deflate your ballooning ego. But, sometimes we cave in because we really enjoy being made to look bad/unprofessional/delusional/ridiculous for even letting you come up there with us. Maybe we want to look better when you finally get heckled offstage and we get back to doing what we are paid to do. How fun. Then again, once and awhile an incredible musician sits in and blows us all away and adds so much to the music without any agenda of being in the spotlight. They just KNOW they can unobtrusively add something tasty and positive and special to a song. It happens about once every five years or so. Are you that person? Do you really want that kind of pressure? Here’s what we expect of you…

Here are just a few of the rules a group of musicians has come up with that we like to call:

THE ETIQUETTE OF SITTING IN…

If you get the urge to jump onstage and show your musical talents with a band in a local bar or musical venue first consider if you have covered these points of common sense and propriety…

1. I work here. Where do you work? If your boss saw that you’d let someone he didn’t know do your job for you, who may or may not be more qualified/honest/talented than you are, would you be fired? Most likely. Remember these letters…GYOFB or “get your own f*#king band!” If that is an impossibility or if you have a band but are on vacation away from home, read on.
2. Helpful hints for your misguided approach.The band may react poorly, rudely or at the very least just look uncomfortable at your 1^st, 2^nd or 3^rd request to sit in with them. If it is your first try at asking this particular band and you are told “let’s see” or just get a vibe that they aren’t really enthusiastic about you or really anyone sitting in, do not go to another member and ask their permission if you are shot down by one of their band mates. This only proves you are an asshole/egomaniacal/no talent/loser. If they seem marginally interested, just keep in the most pleasant band member’s vision and smile a lot and maybe buy them drinks or throw money in the tip jars. This guarantees nothing of course but may let them see that you are not just some narcissistic scab but someone who gets the drill. If you are smart you will spend a set watching the guys on stage before you even consider asking. You can generally tell who is the leader or at least who is the friendliest guy. Remember never to ask the drummer because they almost always have no say in the band and are usually either extremely unbalanced or drunk/drugged/predatory and you may draw his attention to your date or even worse you, and he may wind up hitting you up for smokes and drinks and complain about life in general for the rest of the evening. He may even expect that now that you are his “friend” that you will help him carry his enormous rig to the truck with him when the evening is over or perhaps be his designated driver. You will make enemies of the rest of the band and be badmouthed all over town. If none of this has ever popped into your head and you have had some luck sitting in with people then maybe it is now time for you to…get yer own fuckin’ band. Yeah, playing music is fun. But this is also a job. If all goes well, we get paid. If you suck, it reflects on us and we lose the owner’s trust. Or at the very least you get humiliated and everyone in the club will remember your face and snicker at you in the aisles of the supermarket for the rest of your born days. Seriously. Do we come to McDonald’s and ask you to let us cook for awhile? If you let us, you’d get fired. Get it? This is a job. We like and need our job even if it may not be our only job. Just because you hate your job doesn’t mean we should be forced to dislike ours.
3. Don’t ask to sit in, wait to be asked. Bring your instrument, sit somewhere prominently, calmly and don’t bother the people around you. We’ll, be more likely to notice a smiling friendly, well-behaved person with an instrument…well, maybe not more likely to notice you but more likely to not have you thrown out if you are acting like a perceptive, patient and realistic human being…wait to be asked to play…or on the off chance that a mutual musician friend of the band has heard you and knows you are good, then have them introduce you to us. Listen to what the band is playing and strongly consider if the one or dozen songs you know “like the back of your hand” really fits our style so that you will blend in and we will make you sound good and you us. Most really good players go up and play whatever the band wants to play. It’s up to you to fit in, not to them. They already have a gig.
4. More approach hints...If you are not known by the band as a peer, i.e. someone who can hang with what they play, introduce yourself and compliment them on their music. Maybe they’ll ask you up or to come back some other time. Give them a CD or a link to your webpage/YouTube/MySpace where they can hear you play some. Oh, wait, I forgot…you only play in your living room and at karaoke bars and your girlfriend/mom/co-workers think you are great. Maybe, just maybe, they are just being nice because they care for you and don’t want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe they just have no taste. And the following is not a compliment but something that we hear versions of more often you would believe, “Hey, man can I sit in and play your guy’s (really expensive) guitar/bass/drums? I have a really expensive instrument at home too…wanna talk about my guitar for ten minutes in between songs while everyone’s waiting to see if you let me up onstage?...I can play a lot better than your guy and you should give me a chance. I know how to get this crowd rockin’!!!” Uh, NO.
5. If you play harmonica (for example), don’t sit in the audience and play all set long from your seat, annoying the people all around you and then ask to sit in. Okay so we finally play a song where that one riff you’ve been playing all night actually seems to fit, so what if it’s not in the right key, go ahead jump up and commandeer a mic in the middle of our song. We don’t mind. And you won’t mind if you get an El Kabong/Keith Richards Tele up the side of your head either…that goes for any instrument for that matter. You are not the hired entertainment even though people may be enjoying a laugh at your expense already. They will eventually tire of you sitting next to them huffing and puffing. People didn’t come here to hear you. You are annoying others. Remember there is more to harmonica playing than just blues riffs. There is, most importantly MIC TECHNIQUE. If you don’t understand that there are times when you are playing background harmonica and times when you may get to solo and that one is supposed to be louder than the other, GO HOME. Dynamics make a good player not volume. If the mic or monitor is not loud enough ask for some more level or if it’s too loud back off the mic. Don’t just swallow that thing like your momma’s home cooking. You are not John Popper, Little Walter or Sonny Terry or you would know this already. 9 of 10 harmonica players who sit in PLAY TOO MUCH, TOO LOUD, don’t listen to the arrangements, or pick their spots judiciously. I’m a harp player so you can’t fool me. Stop it (and it doesn’t matter if you are in the right key…stop it anyway).
6. NO TAMBOURINE ZONE. If you show up with a tambourine uninvited, turn around and go home. Now. I mean it. This isn't a revival. “SECURITY!!!!”
7. NO "ME & BOBBY McGEE". If you are a female vocalist and the song you always get compliments for is “Me & Bobby McGee”, a) know how it goes and what the arrangement is b) realize that you are not Janis Joplin or Melissa Etheridge or even Joss Stone. Even Janis knew more than one tune and c) realize that the band immediately thinks you suck because every other shitty female vocalist in the world has come up onstage and tried to sing that particular song. Truly, one out of 100 don’t suck at “Me & Bobby McGee”. If you are that one, I’m sure you have lots of other songs to sing. In fact, WE suck at “Me & Bobby McGee” so perhaps another band might be more inclined to enjoy that particular misery. Any idea who wrote the song? No. Well. Let me give you a clue, it was Kris Kristofferson and if you give us 50 bucks we’ll back you up doing his version…uh, and nowhere does it go into that big killer Janis rave-up at the end. And neither will you. Bye.
8. Same goes for “Stormy Monday”. Know the tune. Know the words. We’ve heard it butchered too much to want to butcher it again. Ever heard of T-Bone Walker? Didn’t think so.
9. Very important – know your genre…if you are a heavy metal guy, a punker, a rapper, a funk player…don’t ask to sit in with a country band…unless you can also play country…get it? If the guys onstage are 60-70 years old and playing songs your grandma likes don’t ask to sit in and do a Maroon 5 song.
10. Just because you are wasted away doesn't mean you can sing Buffett. If you are there with a ton of drunken, annoying friends who think the version of “Margaritaville” you sang at the Mexican food karaoke place last week was the best version they ever heard…our advice is to beg them not to ask you to sit in and sing “Margaritaville” with us. Sing it from your chair when the band inevitably gets a request for it….just figure you can never top that restaurant version…we all know it was truly better than Jimmy Buffett’s and you would so hate to disappoint your fans and tarnish the memory of the original inspiration.
11. TIMING OF REQUESTS. And by the way, if one of your friends has a request for the band, show them how professional and smart you are by yanking them back into their seat if they start to head towards the bandstand when the band is in the middle of a song. The fastest way to not get your song played is to interrupt someone mid-song to converse with them. Playing music with passion while being entertaining and not making mistakes is way more difficult when some drunk floosie is yelling titles to Journey tunes at the bass player while he’s trying to play a riff he worked years to master. Every song ends. Bands take breaks. These are two wonderful times to make requests. Or prove you are an educated drunk and write a couple of song titles on a piece of paper and set it on the floor in front of the singer or better yet, throw a buck or two in the tip jar and then set the note in front of the singer. Bet your song gets played before the drunken harlot’s who is disturbing the bassist.
12. KEEP YOUR SONGS SHORT. If the only songs you know are “American Pie”, “Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands”, “Close to the Edge” or something else over 5 minutes long, please stay seated. Those sitting in should presume you are allowed one song, one short solo if you are an instrumental soloist, and if we want you for more WE WILL ASK YOU. Also remember to give the soloists in the band an opportunity to take a solo on your song. Don’t know how to go about that? Why are you reading this? Make points. Be professional. Maybe they’ll ask you to play another one right away or next set, or next week. Don’t overstay your welcome. If after your number someone on the bandstand does not look at you and say, “What else you got?” or “Stay up here for another one” but instead announces quickly into the mic, “Let’s hear it for that brave guy” or “Thanks. Good job, man” or “Okay, now back to the real music” consider that a) you did just fine but that’s all the time they are allowing you and shake their hands and look forward to your drunken friends patting you on the back and maybe buying you a drink or b) you sucked and you should probably never come back into this bar/town/state again until you have gone home and practiced for 10 yrs like these guys did and got your own band together and paid your dues. There are official places set up for you to embarrass yourself while you learn to sing/play…they are called open mic and karaoke nights. This very bar may have one. Ask the bartender.
13. YOU GOT LUCKY, DON'T PUSH IT. Also just because you sat in once, were well-received, got some applause and the band was nice to you doesn’t mean you should show up and set up your gear the next night before we get there (yes, this has happened). Wait, to be asked up onstage again. Just because they said, “Come back sometime” doesn’t mean that tomorrow you’re gonna get a cut of their extravagant $25 a guy or even be asked up again. Be patient, be smart, respectful, listen. That’s what musician’s do. If you were great they will ask you up again. If you added so much to the music that they want you in the band full time they will ask you. Trust me. In the past two months where people have sat in with us we have had a minimum of three guest musicians take every single musician off to the side and say, “Hey you want to be in my band?” One even said, “I’m not a musician but I book ventriloquists…and I’d love to play with you again.” Was he calling me a dummy? He was actually not a bad singer and could really put a tune across to the crowd but a) he didn’t know the words of the tunes he sang b) didn’t know the chords/key of the tunes he asked us to play and c) sang on top of people’s solos because he didn’t know the tune’s arrangements and wasn’t experienced in listening to a band interact around him. Interact is a very important word when it comes to sitting in. Have I said before, “It’s not your show,” play with us, not over/above/in front of us? And don’t tell us that you “really know how to get this crowd up” it implies that you think you are better than the guys you are infringing upon. Not a good move. Good musicians can make YOU look bad easily. Heard of cutting sessions? Young jazz cats always used to try and horn in (pun intended) on sets of more seasoned pros. Often the pro will put a full-of-himself upstart in his place by calling an extremely difficult/fast/unknown tune just to watch the young turk die in his footsteps. If he can hang, sometimes he will do a great service to his reputation, impress the crowd and the legends alike and be talked about for days. Most often, they wind up looking like weak, inexperienced versions of someone over their head. Just sayin’…I’ve had the great luxury to play live and in the studio with some musicians WAY beyond my limited and narrow abilities and they always made ME sound better not because I necessarily rose to the occasion but more often because they were playing just exactly what needed to be played TO MAKE THE SONG BETTER. Not about showing off, showing somebody up or rattling off every little trick up their sleeves…it was about making the music resonate. Go figure.
14. DON'T OVERSTAY YOUR WELCOME. We know the drill from both sides having suffered and/or enjoyed people sitting in over the years. Even the best ones sometimes overstay their welcome. It’s not for them to decide. I remember when I was working for Willie Nelson, hearing a story about a famous banjo player sitting in with Willie on a gig and he stayed and he stayed and he stayed. On the bus afterward when they listened back to the show, after the 2^nd or third song, Willie quietly mentioned with his great sense of timing, “A little banjo goes a LONNNNG way.” Most of us on the bandstand also have been a sitter-inner for many years with many bands. In some cases, we become regular guests because WE LEAVE THE EGOS AT HOME AND DON’T GET IN PEOPLE’S FACES WHILE THEY ARE WORKING. Quite often we may get asked up to play, often even called in advance… “Are you coming tomorrow night? How ‘bout we play these two songs?” or sometimes we may get a call to fill in for someone who can’t make a gig because a sit-in previously went particularly well. In fact, I’ve had 4-5 new band members come into my band as a result of having sat in numerous times and when the opening was right they were our first call. Not necessarily because they were the best available musician but because THEY WERE LESS TROUBLE. Remember the more you hear a band without you onstage the better you will sound when you eventually get a chance to sit-in.
15. I DON'T SEE RANDY JACKSON HERE, DO YOU? American Idol and America’s Got Talent prove that most people are not really very realistic at judging how good they actually sound. It also shows you that there is a place in the world for karaoke. More often than not when you talk to a singer from a professional band and you ask if they do karaoke the response is either a snooty “No fucking way, they are amateurs” or most likely a revealing litany of excuses, “I can’t do it. I have no control over the performance, the tempo, the arrangement, even what key I want to sing it in, I’m used to my drummer, the monitors and mics suck, I need a little reverb on my voice but not so much that it sounds like I’m in the Holland Tunnel…” It’s not that these pros are scared, it’s that they are professionals and realize that a lot more goes into a good performance than just reading the words off of a TV ten seconds too late. Things like…pitch, memorization, sense of rhythm, listening hard to the other musicians around you, attention to detail, nerves, stage fright, getting an audience’s attention and holding on to it, dynamics, drama, emotion, having the right gear for the job and having it gig ready so it doesn’t break down, judging a crowd’s ebbs and flows and adjusting your performance to reflect and compliment it, hearing arrangements before they happen, to name just a few…That’s why they get paid to perform and people at karaoke bars don’t. I have been playing professionally for almost 30 years and still get stage fright before every gig. It usually takes most of the first set to get the ears tuned to the room an the day, the equipment dialed in and everyone vibing together. Do you really want to get into the middle of all of that and run the risk of having a bunch of irate musicians with usable weapons in their hands pissed at you? I just played a gig where our band was obviously stressed playing in new surroundings, having sound problems and I turned around and there was a woman holding a mic, singing so close to me that I could smell what she had for lunch on her breath and I couldn’t strum my guitar because she was leaning on my right arm. Oddly, she sang pretty damn well…in semi-harmony in fact…she even knew all the words…but she sang slightly flat the whole time. We got through the song though we all made numerous mistakes being distracted and thrown off by our surprise guest and luckily the drummer yelled at her afterward, “Nobody sings with us today until we tell them, GOT IT!” He could tell I was not happy. It took the rest of the set for us to get our bearings. The day before, a whole five-piece band convinced our bandleader that they would like to play during our break. They looked like musicians. Leather vests, feathered hair, hip rock star jewelry and boots up to their knees, tats of biker chicks on their necks. Hot chicks hanging on their arms. Stylish as a unit, hitting on new girls in the crowd, watching our every move. So we relented though I am not a fan of handing my $5000 guitar over to some stranger but they looked like they knew what they were doing. They even had a name for their band. So for 20 minutes, they tuned up, changed all of the settings on our instruments (which we’d finally dialed in to our satisfaction by the middle of the second set we’d just completed), they readjusted the drum seat, changed the lengths of our guitar straps so they’d fit their young, skinny rock star frames and basically just unconsciously disrespected our whole gig. They eventually stumbled through half of one song and then tried for ten minutes to start another one. We were duly chastised by our fans and luckily, the bar owner was entertained because now he knew not to make the mistake and hire these amateurs. He actually loved hearing us squirm. Just tellin’ ya. Don’t just think you are ready. Be ready.
16. BE PROFESSIONAL. OR AT LEAST ACT IT. If you don’t know what key the song you want to sing or play on is in, or can’t rattle off the chords or quick arrangement to the band who has asked you to sit in…don’t get out of your chair. And don’t be too drunk, too high, too smelly or touch a fuckin’ knob on our equipment without asking. There are bouncers in bars for a reason.
17. DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Conversely, if you know 1000 songs or better still can play proficiently in rock, folk, country, blues, reggae, pop, ska, jazz, or any given genre WITHOUT sheet music or chord charts in front of you, we might be willing to talk NOT because we want you to play 1000 songs in a dozen genres but because there will be a much greater chance that in your one song of the evening you will be able to adapt to our level of musicianship, our arrangement of whatever tune we are playing and be ready for anything we throw at you whether that means hanging out at our request and playing some more. Know more than one tune. Know the basics of how songs are structured, of what chords work with what keys, have a reasonable memory so that after the first verse and chorus you can get close to not messing up much the second time through, or have damn fine ears and be able to improvise proficiently in the moment and stay out of the way without falling on your ass and screwing everyone else up. These things are basically givens to musicians, pro or amateur who have success playing with other people in varied situations. No? These things don’t apply to you, you are a natural and just too good for us to miss? And you are still reading this? Do you not get that the only reason for us to spend inordinate amounts of time typing us the little primer is because there is some kind of consistent problem here with people sitting in? Can you truly say that none of this applies to you? Then perhaps we should meet you, allow you to sit in, call the songs, remain onstage for the rest of the night…we don’t meet prodigy or genius level people very often…then again, if you think this letter is SO true and hilarious and have your own nightmare stories to tell, then we’d probably be happy to play with you too.
18. RESPECT OUR GIG. Also if there have already been one or two people sitting in with us that day…don’t bother to ask. That’s about our quota. We do have certain songs we want to get to and since gigs are hard to come by we don’t want to spend the majority of any particular one not playing what we came to play. It’s sort of like answering the incessantly ringing phone while you are having sex. You may answer once in case it’s an emergency but after you realize it was a phone solicitor you just unplug the phone.

19. SITTING IN IS A PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT. Remember: your job as a guest is to act like a guest and to make US sound better because we in turn are giving you an opportunity to get up there with a band backing you up to make YOU sound better than if you were just singing by yourself on the way home in the car.
20. PAY US FOR WHAT WE DO NOT FOR WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH US. If you own or book a club, PLEASE book us because you like what we do, and think your crowd will and not because you see it as a great opportunity for you to sing with your own new back-up band (i.e. US) since your karaoke machine is on the fritz (again, this has happened MORE than once). If that’s the only way we’ll get a gig with you, you will have to pay us double our normal rate, convince us you don’t suck by applying all of the rules above and not be surprised if we and our fans don’t come back.
21. DON'T PLAY TOO LOUD. BE TASTEFUL. Control your volume. Don’t play rhythm louder than the leads, sing harmonies louder than the lead vocals, solo when you are supposed to be waiting, i.e. look up the meaning of “dynamics”.
22. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT TOUCH MY GEAR WITHOUT ASKING. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY BE INSURED BECAUSE THESE INSTRUMENTS, CABLES, AMPS, MICS ETC. ARE NOT CHEAP AND WITHOUT THEM WE CANNOT EARN OUR LIVELIHOOD AND IF YOU BREAK OR DAMAGE SOMETHING YOU’D BETTER EITHER HAVE YOUR CHECKBOOK, YOUR LAWYERS NUMBER OR A GOOD MEDICAL PLAN...OR PERHAPS BRING YOUR OWN INSTRUMENT LIKE A GOOD PROFESSIONAL WOULD ANYWAY…
23. HIRE US TO BACK YOU. The BEST way to get us to be your back-up band is to rent a rehearsal space, set up a p.a., send us charts and recordings of some songs you want to play, pay us each $30 an hour (half up front) and let’s rehearse and see how we sound. This is what pro musicians do.
24. KNOW YOUR PLACE. This isn’t your gig. This isn’t open mic. This isn’t karaoke. You are an audience member first and foremost and thanks for coming out to hear us work.
25. GYOFB !!!
    
    

To close, if you are an amazing musician who sees our band live and just can’t resist adding your complimentary talents to what we do, indeed step on up and say hi after you’ve heard a couple of sets or seen us a couple of times. We’ll feel your vibe, we’ll recognize from your approach and from your air of devil-may-care, non-neediness that you are the real deal, that you don’t need to prove yourself to yourself and don’t need us to know how talented you think you are. We’ll see from your chill attitude that your talent and ego and professionalism won’t be crushed if we graciously bow out and say, “Well, maybe later tonight or some other time. We’ve kind of got something going on today we want to focus on.” And know we expect that in the case of our acceptance of your suggestion, we trust that you will respectfully do your one song to the best of your abilities and thank us and move along. We’ll all know if we clicked or not. We might even let you up for a try even if you just seem like a nice person who respects our needs, our job and our heartfelt efforts to provide a good bunch of music for you and the rest of the folks who have graced us with their presence. If you are there just to be noticed, just to perpetuate your own agenda, to show the world that ignoring your immense talents would be a huge detriment to the next few minutes of this very evening, then we would kindly advise you to TAKE YOUR HUGE FUCKING OBLIVIOUS EGO AND GO GET YOUR OWN FUCKING BAND, WAIT YOUR TURN AT KARAOKE OR GET BACK IN THE SHOWER WHERE YOU BELONG.

The key is be prepared and listen. Like Miles Davis said, “It’s not about the notes you play, it’s about the notes you don’t play.”

All of this said, we do like to play with new, talented people and look forward to hearing you IF you GET IT! Remember, you are not Warren Haynes, Derek Trucks or Greg Osby. (By the way, Warren, Derek and Greg you are welcome anytime.)

Musicians:

Post your own horrid experiences having people sit in, attempting to sit in, experience with hecklers, horrid off-center requests, etc.